Pa Ventura: Does your car really want to be your friend?

To David Hasselhoff

One of the many pathetic goals in Pa’s life is to drop your name in a column, because according to Google, there’s a whole genre of David Hasselhoff jokes now. So imagine Pa’s delight this week when he found an Associated Press story about Toyota developing a car with so much artificial intelligence that it will become “friends” with the driver. Pa remembers your relationship with talking car KITT in “Knight Rider,” but less known is the 1982 Nissan Maxima model with a warning system where a disembodied female voice would scold you with quips like “the lights are on” and “key is in the ignition.” Ma had one of those cars and it really messed her up because she already had an artificial intelligence in her life: Pa. Anyway, at the Tokyo Motor Show later this month, Toyota will unveil technology that someday could have your Prius analyzing your facial expressions, driving habits and social media use, getting to know you so well that it can tell when you’re falling asleep and release an “invigorating herbal scent” or jiggle your seat to keep you alert. Holy heart attack, Pa wants to know if Mr. Prius Buddy is also gonna clean up his seat after he has a nonvehicle accident in astonishment, or at least provide some munchies after that herbal bombardment. Actually, Pa’s worried his Prius will get sick of all the hamburger lettuce and ketchup he drops on the seats and won’t want to be his friend. Like he goes out to his garage to drive to the movies and his own car tells him, “Sorry, I have other plans tonight.”

To parents

Speaking of the need for diapers, it seems your kids are learning to play Angry Birds before they learn how to walk or talk. The nonprofit group Common Sense released a survey this week that found 42 percent of young children have their own tablets and the average brat is spending 48 minutes a day on mobile devices, up from 15 minutes just four years ago. “There has been a seismic shift in media and tech use by young kids,” Common Sense’s CEO told USA TODAY. “It has the power to reshape child development.” So we just need to give our president an iPad and he’ll grow up? And please, stop overusing “seismic shift.” It’s just another movement that makes Pa incontinent.

To choices

Pa used to think you’re what makes America great, but now researchers say you’re what makes America fat. USA TODAY reported this week that U.S. obesity rates have hit a new high — nearly four in 10 adults — because we’re making bad choices like quaffing down Fritos and Slurpees with our invigorating herbal scents. “The individual choice model for obesity prevention is not working,” one researcher said. When it comes to the act of putting something in his mouth, Pa’s not sure what a group choice would be, unless that’s when Mr. Prius Friend zaps him for eating Taco Bell.

To Santa Paula

Your fine City Council made a group choice this week to fatten up city employee paychecks, approving double-digit raises for nearly every worker after voters passed a sales tax increase last fall. The council ignored the little Maxima lady who warned “another recession may be in the ignition,” with Councilwoman Ginger Gherardi declaring, “I don’t think we have to plan for that now. How we handle that will be whatever is the best way to deal with it at the time.” Yea, Pa thinks planning is overrated, too, as you can probably tell. Mentioning David Hasselhoff seemed the best way to deal with friendly cars, but what else is he good for in this column? Santa Paula needs a “Watchdog,” not a “Baywatch.” Told you.

To parents, part II

If you’re thinking of making the grand seismic shift of our age — ordering your kid to put down his iPhone and go play outside instead — think again. The Star’s watchdog column for people like Pa who are obsessed with incontinence, Ask the Doctors, revealed this week that sandboxes are full of germs. The docs cited a study in Spain that found no difference in the disgusting germ level between public sandboxes for dogs and those for children. Pa thinks the fine doctors buried the real news here. What kind of artificial intelligence cooked up public sandboxes for dogs? Maybe the Prius will someday become man’s best friend, but until then, don’t mess with the best sand time a dog could ask for — a day at the beach with David Hasselhoff (Pa did it!)